TO CHANGE OR NOT TO CHANGE, THAT IS THE QUESTION

We've all heard the saying, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." But is that true? Can people change, or are we doomed to repeat our mistakes forever?

I believe people can change, but it takes hard work: therapy and the desire to change. Just like an athlete who wants to improve their performance, or a student who wants to get better grades, anyone who wants to change must be willing to put in the effort. Change is never easy, but I think it's worth it if we want to improve our lives and relationships. It's not easy, but I believe it is possible.

The sad part is too many people don't want to change and want to wallow in their misery. They don't believe they can change, be happy and overcome traumas. They are stuck in the cycle of unhappiness.

When I was at my lowest point, the second year of Covid, I'd lost my Aesthetic Spa business, my Villas' were empty, and I had no income. I was lonely; my friends were all struggling. I missed my family so much and couldn't get back to Australia. The whole world was in pain, Bali, and so was I. I spiralled down badly.

I looked for places I could get help, but they were for alcoholics and drug addicts; mine was the loss of happiness and overwhelmed. I had to create a safe place to heal - so I did. It took time and courage to realise that I had to get to the bottom of why I felt so immobilised in unhappiness. Some of my issues were from my past; some were due to global pain that I was picking up on. Some were the loss of my liberty and freedom, the loss of vast amounts of money and security, and some were just bad habits.

Every day, for over a month, I worked bravely and diligently doing the work, looking at myself honestly and painfully - at the scars, habits, and issues until by the end of the month, I had rewired my brain with the help of gifted therapists.

You must invest in yourself - you are worth it.

There are many excuses why people don't invest in change; the biggest one is money. "I don't have enough money to see a therapist" and the most common excuse. "It is too expensive".

Consider if you stopped buying take-out coffee and meals, a packet of ciggies, or a few glasses of wine; you'd have plenty of money to invest in your happiness. It could be misconstrued as a sacrifice; what price do you put on your satisfaction, mental clarity and sanity?

The second big excuse is, "I'm too scared to look inwards, back at my past."

Most skilled therapists these days don't dwell on the past. Yes, they need to get a background story, but that is what they are, stories. It's past, and our interpretation of what happened scars us the most. That is the part we can change, our understanding of how we reacted, not the actual act. There are times when a good talk out, a big cry or a little pity party is called for, but the real work is seeing your patterns observing them and then changing those destructive patterns of behaviour.

They say the only way an alcoholic, an addict can change behaviour is by acknowledging that they have an addiction, habit or trauma. Once they've owned their dark side, they can start to let the light in. But it's not as simple as flicking a switch or taking a pill ( unless you are clinically diagnosed). It takes time and courage, and work. I had to see some gruesome parts of myself that I wouldn't say I liked looking at and owning them. It hurt. But ultimately,y I grew massively once I did. My relationships flourished, opportunities started to come, I had much more clarity, and I knew I had the universe standing beside me, watching my back.

The next excuse is, " I can't find a therapist; I don't know one." My answer is to ask around, ask your friends, look on websites at mindful courses, and ask? There are so many modalities and styles of therapy out there. You can try until you find someone you trust and feel comfortable with. You're not marrying a therapist, just working with them, and if you don't want gell, move on.

So what's stopping you from fulfilling your happiness - if you haven't already?

The big piece is wanting to change, overcoming your obstacles, and having the courage to do so.

I have a young friend who recently had a crucial look in the mirror. She is only twenty-eight but realised that her habits were debilitating and dysfunctional. She tried on her own with weekly therapy but couldn't maintain consistency. So she bit the bullet and booked into a month-long residential program, then a three-month schedule. I'm not suggesting such radical measures for everybody. Still, if you are struggling as profoundly as she was, she took the bravest option to rewire and relearn healthy self-fulfilling habits, behaviours, and beliefs. Her courage is award-winning. Now she's emerged as a young woman with life ahead of her as a functional, capable, creative woman. Her courage at such a young idealist age is incredible.

So don't think you can do it alone, nor should you. Your friends are your friends, not therapists; too soon, they will get bored with your sadness and self-obsession. I know I lost many friendships from not being able to self-regulate. Now I can. I can pause, feel and sit in the confusion, anger, pain or overwhelm. I have the skills, the desire and the knowledge. I know the feelings will pass, and in time, I will be able to address the problems myself—what a relief.

Self-regulation, self-love and trusting myself are the tools I have learnt over these last few years. Life is much happier coming from this trajectory; I did all this when I was 65.

So, yes, I believe people can change, regardless of age.

Will you?

Big hugs